I have a giant lump in my throat.
It's been there for hours.
My life is a bit sketchy at the moment.
I am stuck in what feels like a mid-life crisis, but I am not even twenty-one.
I keep looking back on my life and wondering what happened, what the hell went wrong.
I thought that by now I would be proud of the person I am, and the strength I've somehow maintained throughout being ill for years, throughout the broken friendships and broken hearts. I am not content with my past choices, but I do not wish that I could go back and change them because they have made me the person I am today.
I might be a little bit weaker, but I am a hell of a lot wiser. I don't take things for granted, and I would make the effort, if someone gave me the chance to.
Social networking is to blame for the way that I feel at this very second. We are glued to our phones and our Facebook, and Instagram all day. We keep refreshing the pages, waiting for someone to speak to us or to comment a photo or status, or we're waiting to stalk people that we don't even speak to outside of our four walls. I have 304 Facebook friends, and outside of my laptop, I would only speak to maybe thirty of them and probably only see ten of them face to face. I wish I could not be apart of this obsession that has taken over our current generation. I wish I could turn off my computer and deactivate my accounts long enough to realise that none of that shit matters. But forgive me, I'm human.
Its recently come to my attention that I only have one very great friend. She is a beautiful Italian girl with an admiration of elephants. She might be one person, but she means a whole lot to me than anyone else. I also have a beautiful boyfriend. He is tall and handsome and when he laughs, he does these weird hand gestures in the air. They might only be two people, but they're my two people.
As for everyone else, there's only so much I can do. There are only so many times I can stay on the phone with you because the supposed love of your life has yet again disappointed you. There are only so many times that I can listen to you talk about yourself and your problems without acknowledging mine.
That time to let go, is now.
I'm sick of letting people walk over me. I am stronger than this. I will be stronger than this. I don't care if I end up alone; it's better than ending up with a friendship or relationship with someone who is selfish. It might take me a while, maybe a few rollercoaster days, but I'll find myself again and not worry so much about all of these other little things.
I just have to have hope.
